ADIN,
I don’t know where you are or why you left. But your absence has put me down a hole that I cannot escape. Everybody; everybody that you know and loved has suffered from your disappearance. Our family has suffered the most. Because of what you decided to do, our family has fallen to pieces. The reason I am writing to you, is only because of them, just so that I could tell you, myself what pain you’ve put us through.
Dad threw himself into work, so he doesn’t have to come home. Neither Shelby nor I have seen him. He hasn’t come home in three weeks. And mom, she went through her process. She first started questioning why, and then she blamed us. Then she blamed herself. But after blaming everyone, she would find an answer and fix it. But this was one problem that she could not solve. It tore her apart; she could not give anyone a reason, as to why her oldest son had run away. At first I thought she found another way to deal with the pain. Until one day she took it a step too far. I found her, Adin. I found her in the bathroom. She had been lying in her tub. She had blood covering her arms and face. I called the paramedics, and they rushed her to the hospital. Thank God, Shelby wasn’t there, I didn’t want her to be scared. She tried to kill herself, Adin. Mom tried to kill herself. And it wasn’t the first time, nor will it be the last.
So many doctors, so many pills, but none of them helped. Did you know, I have to sit there and watch her take her pills, so I can make sure that she won’t overdose? Every night I have to wake up every two hours, just to see if she’s still breathing. Do you know how hard that is, Adin. To have to sit there and make sure that you’re suicidal mother takes the right amount of medications. She doesn’t even look at me or Shelby any more.
And Shelby, she was the one who found your letter. She came into my room asking me what your message meant. I didn’t tell her anything, I just quickly gave it to mom. She read over it. You made her cry; I have never seen mom cry. I called dad, when I told him he immediately left work. Shelby asked me why mom was crying. I couldn’t answer her. What was I supposed to tell her, Adin? How could I tell a six year old that her only brother ran away?
She idolizes you. You know, she comes home every day asking me where you are. How long am I going to have to lie to her? Shelby’s very smart; it’s only a matter of time till she figures it out. And when she does, she’s going to want some answers, answers I can’t give her. What do I tell her then? Answer me that, Adin.
Adin, Do you know what I personally have had to give up? I had to quit volleyball and theatre, because I have to go pick up Shelby from school every day. I can’t hang out with my friends, because I have to take mom to her therapy sessions. Every day I have to come home from school early, to give mom her meds. I have to pick up Shelby. Then I have to make dinner, help Shelby with her homework, and make sure that she takes her bath, brushes her teeth and gets to bed on time. And then I have to make sure that the kitchen gets clean. When that gets done, I have to work on my homework. If I am lucky I’ll get in bed by two in the morning. This happens every day.
Dads not here, mom can’t do anything, and Shelby tries to help me as much as possible, but other than that, I’m on my own. I have to do the shopping, I have to watch mom, and I have to raise Shelby. Me, a sixteen year old girl, I should not have to do these things. But because of what you did, my life has become a living hell.
Mom thinks she wasn’t there enough for you. Dad thinks he never spent enough time with you. And Shelby, she thinks that you’re mad at her for going into your room and playing with your dumb keyboard. Each one of them blames themselves, but not me. The only person I’m blaming is you.
Do I miss you? Yes. Do I want you to come home? Absolutely. Do I want to see my family together again, all the time? Look I can pray, and hope, and beg all I want to, but it is you who has to make the choice.
If you do come back, I can’t promise you that things will go back to the way they were before. I can’t promise you that dad will come home, or that mom will ever be normal again. Nor can I promise you that we’ll ever be able to forgive you. But I can promise you, that we won’t hate you or that we won’t love you any less. You’re my brother Adin, and I love you. Just come home, I can’t keep lying to Shelby. If you forgot, she’s turning seven next week. It would mean an awful lot to her if you came. I would like to see you too. We would all like to see you. Please, please don’t forget.
From your loving but extremely pissed off sister, Araina
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