The
year is 228, it was the year I turned eighteen, the year my entire world was
ripped from its foundation stone. My story begins in the city where I was
lived; it was called Hou-han. It was a small city that dwells in the outermost
part of the Wei borders. It was a time of great bloodshed as the three kingdoms
battled for supremacy. With Hou-han so close to the Shun territories Emperor
Ming ordered warriors of every rank to protect the city and its people. As a
woman in my family it was my duty to be seen and not heard and to only speak
when spoken to, but in my stubbornness I made it my goal to speak my mind
whether or not the occasion called for it. It was expected for servants to
visit the market daily to fetch the food for their master’s meals. Whenever I
had the chance I would sneak away with them to escape from my pampered prison.
During
the spring solstice many acrobatic troupes would come to the crowded market
squares. On days they’d come I would beg my sister to cover for me so that I
might go and watch them. Shun Shui, being as obedient and soft-hearted as she
was, allowed me to go. I would hand her the erhu I was supposed to be
practicing (and hated) and I’d climb the maple trees that were in the farthest
wall of the courtyard; that was the quickest way outside the walls. I would run
as fast as I could to the market place to watch the acrobats perform. The market was always filled with marvelous
smells of roast ducks and steamed dumplings. The market had small restaurants
wedge between the narrow streets of Hou-han, in which I visited often.
The
soldiers would patrol the streets almost daily, awaiting information from spies
sent out into the Shun and the Wu territories. It was not uncommon for the
emperor to have foreigners in his army, but they had to be especially careful
not to be mistaken as an assassin and/or a spy, if they were they would be
instantly killed. The people felt safe and secure with the soldiers in the
city. Every time a general and his men paraded through the city, people would
crowd the narrow sidewalks to watch them pass. They would waive their arms
sending them their good fortunes; they’d throw azaleas and chrysanthemums on
the street. I never understood why the soldiers were giving so much praise.
They came to our city with no warning; they paid naïve merchants and farmers
for their land and made them homeless. They took our food and forced many of us
to go hungry and they’d stomped through the market and leave trails of horse
dung and crushed flowers everywhere. It
aggravated me.
I’d
stay to watch the acrobats perform, but I would always make sure I was home
before anyone knew I was gone. Just as I’d sneak out of the walls I knew how to
sneak back in. In the back wall the maple tree branches hung over the walls.
When my half-brothers, Xun Shing and Qing Xyan would go to the market, they
would try to bring us with them, but Mama and Baba wouldn’t allow it. So Xun
Shing and Qing Xyan would run to the back wall and they’d chip away the mortar
that held the bricks in place. We called it The Vanishing Maple. It was a
childish name and we meant to change it, but the name kind of stuck. Any way
once the bricks were free Deshi Dong, Shun Shui, and I would climb the maple
branches to the other side of the wall, and to get back in without being
noticed we would use the cut out bricks as footholds and we would climb back
over the wall without being seen. Now that we were older I was the only one who
still used The Vanishing Maple to get in and out of the walls, and it still
worked.
It
was on one particular day, however that I stayed out later than usual. When I
came home, I found my sister crying under one of the mulberry trees. I ran to
her side and sat next to her. I asked her
“Shun
Shui what is the matter?” she had her hands covering her eyes and she would not
answer me, she cried heavily. I questioned her again; she lowered one of her
hands to the ground. She picked up the erhu I had given to her earlier; she
placed the instrument onto my lap.
“What
happened to it?” I demanded looking at the shattered strings and the twisted
bow. She cried even harder, I put my hand on her shoulder.
“Shun
Shui,” I said comforting my sister. She snapped her hands back over her eyes,
“I’m
sorry,” she sobbed desperately trying to calm herself down
“Hey
it okay” I said speaking in a tone of voice that our mother used to calm our
tears. “Look it’s not that bad, really. I can fix it, see?” I held the
instrument in palms showing it to her, but she would not look at me. “And
besides” I added “at least now I have a good reason not to play it.” I could
tell she wanted to smile but she held it back.
“Come”
I insisted “let us walk around the courtyard so I can tell you all about what
happened in town today.” She nodded her head, I tucked her arm undermine and we
walked out from underneath the shaded mulberry tree. The blistering sun blinded
my twin and me. I looked over at her face; her pale cheeks glistened from her
endless tears. I looked close at a strange coloring around her temple. I
stopped walking and I turned in front of her,
“What
happened to you?” Her eyes began to
wonder, “Nothing, I uh...slipped,” she explained. I could always tell when she
was lying, she could never look at my eyes and she would stumble over her
words. Moreover, there were only two clumsy people in my family, my brother
Deshi Dong and myself. I gave her a look of skepticism
“You
slipped, really?” I questioned, I began circling her like a vulture
“Yes
really” she confirmed, I was surprised. I knew this must have been serious; she
had never lied to me twice in a single conversation. To make it seem like I had
believed her I began to interrogate her. I asked her where she fell, in what
room did, and who was around to help her. With each question her cheeks burned,
her eyes bounced, and her words hardly made a sentence. I knew she was about to
break.
“But
then what happened to my erhu?” I inquired. Shun Shui broke, she shouted
“He got angry and accidently threw it at me.”
I was speechless and confused. Who would throw something at her? She had never
done anything to anger any one in her life. I went over and over in my head the
entire family, trying to find out who would want to hurt my twin. The first person I thought of was our sister
Xun Shin, but she loved the erhu more than anything so she wouldn’t destroy it.
Then I thought of our half brother Qing Xyan, but he spends most of his time
staring at his own reflection to notice anything. So he couldn’t have done it. I knew for a
fact that it wasn’t Deshi Dong or Xun Shing because I remembered they went to
the market places to flirt with the merchants daughters. That just left the
servants, who would have been punished for such abuse. Baba and Mama were the only ones left. I knew
who it was, but concerned I asked her,
“Who
did?” but I already knew the answer. She looked at me horrified, not wanting to
tell me. “It’s okay I won’t tell anyone, I promise” and I always kept my
promises. Using her sleeve to dry her face, she leaned over to my ear, she
whispered softly,
“It
was Baba.” I knew it, Mama couldn’t have done it she loves Shun Shui and me too
much to do us any harm. Immediately Shun Shui snapped back from her confession.
“But
he didn’t mean to” she defended him “he just got so angry when he was walking
by and you weren’t here. He asked me why I was practicing your erhu, so I told
him that I wanted to learn how to play it. But he did not believe me.” Shun Shui’s eyes filled up with tears; her
cheeks had lost their color as she tried to remember every detail. “You should
have seen his face. Jia Huo I was so scared, I did not know what to do. And
before I knew it Baba had the erhu in his hands smashing it against the stone.
I tried to stop him, but he spun around and slammed it into my head.” Shun Shui
sank to the ground with her hands again covering her eyes. She tried to hold
back the tears, but they broke through her wall of resistance.
“I’m
sorry.” She kept repeating. “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me Jia Huo.” She fell
on her knees, her hands tugging on my sun-dried, dust covered tunic. She begged
me to forgive her but I couldn’t speak. I was the one who should have been
punished not Shun Shui. I was the one who snuck outside the walls and left her
to cover for me. I was the one who came back later than usual. It should have
been me, it was my fault and I knew it. She looked up at me, her broken green
eyes piercing my guilty soul. I couldn’t take it; I sank to the ground with
Shun Shui still holding on to my clothes.
“No,
I’m sorry” I said. She kept looking at me, her tears like a heavy rain storm
continuing to crash onto her lilac colored tunic. “It was wrong of me to leave.
I’m the eldest; it’s my responsibility to make sure that these things do not
happen. I can’t forgive you, for there is nothing to forgive. I’m the one to
blame for this. Baba should have been angry at me, not you. It’s my fault that
your tears will not cease, that your face is in pain. It is all my doing and it
should be I who begs for your forgiveness.” My voice began to crack; I could
feel the warmth of my tears sliding down my cheeks. Shun Shui’s tears were
still falling. I took the sleeve of my turquoise tunic and dried the tears of
my twin. Like a mirror Shun Shui did the same. She smiled, I smiled in return.
We took each other’s arms and pulled ourselves off the soft grasses.
“Am
I forgiven?” I probed; she smiled and nodded her head. I smiled; I knew she
wouldn’t stay mad at me for long. That night Shun Shui slept heavier than
usual, but I was restless. The guilt I felt was eating away at my soul. How
could I have let this happen? I stood from my bed; the cool nightly breeze
surrounded me. I walked through the courtyard; the fullness of the moon
illuminated the yard. I sat underneath the silver mulberry and out of the
corner of my eye I noticed a small flickering light coming from my parent’s
chambers. My curiosity grew into an aggravating attraction, I couldn’t fight
it. I found myself crouching outside their chamber, listening in on their quiet
conversations. But as I listened closer to them I realized that it was my
father who was doing most of the speaking. I looked thorough the thin sheer
door, I saw my mother sitting on the edge of their bed, her black hair fallen
over her shoulders. She said nothing; I could see that Baba was angry with her.
“This
is your doing” shaking his bloodied up fists. My mother’s kept her head low,
trying not to look Baba in the face.
“I’m
sorry Heng Fu” she apologized. I looked to my father; his eyes were burning a
fiery red. He raised his fist high into the air
“Silence!”
he shouted, his hand came down on my mother. She fell to the ground holding
onto her cheek; I covered my mouth to hold back from crying out. I’ve never
seen father so cruel. He shouted
“If
it weren’t for me, you and your little bastards would be right back on the street
where I found you.” My jaw dropped to the stone below me. Illegitimate
children, could it be true? Could Shun Shui and I truly be another man’s
children?
“I
made a mistake, I know that. Please Heng Fu, I beg for your forgiveness.” My
mother pleaded. Baba scoffed,
“You
are not worth my forgiveness, if you hadn’t opened your legs up to that
Buddhist monk than you would have never had this problem.” A Buddhist
monk! Not only was the man who raised me
not my father, but my real father was a monk?
This just could not true. I stepped away from their chambers confused
and in disbelief of what I had heard. I walked back to my chambers; I tried to
forget what he said. I sat back on my bed, forcing my eyes to stay closed. I
laid their till the sun begun to rise. My father’s words kept repeating
themselves over and over in my head, it would not stop. “If it weren’t for me, you and your little bastards would be right back
on the streets where I found you.”
After
many hours of lying there trying to sleep I gave up and rose from my soft bed.
I looked around at my sisters in their peaceful slumbers; I became envious of
their serenity. I tip-toed quietly out of our room and walked again through the
open courtyard. In the morning light the servants already performing their
daily duties hum peaceful melodies and speak of the latest gossip. I stood
behind one of the columns watching a girl who looked to be around my age. I
couldn’t image being the age that I am and working for a man they called
master. She was a flower gatherer; she’d picks fresh flowers from the yard,
arranges them and places them in beautiful vases for the house. I watched as
she hopped from bush to bush collecting the sweet smelling peach blossoms and
the colorful orchids, transforming them into a display that is both magnificent
and breathtaking. She fills the vases with a smile on her face and I can’t help
but wonder “why is she so happy, what is
there to be joyous about?”
As
she completed her task she looked around to see if anyone was watching, certain
that she was alone she began to sing. Her voice was the most beautiful
instrument I had ever heard, with a melody that was as unique as her. While she
sang her arms and legs followed the music. With each word her body moved with
such elegance and grace. Her arms would bend like the bamboo in the winds; her
legs would sweep across the grass as if she were sliding on ice. I moved closer
to watch her perform. I scurried up the tall branches of the mulberry trees and
watched her as she set her spirit into the wind. I began to sway to her music
and I accidently broke one of the branches of the tree. The girl jumped from
the sound, she looked around to see if anyone was there. I smiled at the fact
that I was in a tree and that she would never find me. I was wrong, she walked
under me looked up to the branches and when she saw me she fell to knees and
covered her face. I jumped down from the tree.
“What’s
your name?” I requested. She tilted her head up towards me,
“Li
Jun” she answered obediently. I crouched down next to her,
“Well
Li Jun” I put my hand on her shoulder, “you sing beautifully.” She looked up at
me and smiled. After that day Li Jun became my closest friend. Mama didn’t
approve of me spending so much time with the servants, but I didn’t care. I could
tell things to Li Jun that I could never say to Shun Shui. I kept her secrets
and she kept mine. I could trust her with anything, even my own life.
The summer’s heat simmered through Hou-han
bringing along with its fire drought, hunger, thirst, and death. The courtyard
becomes crowded with family members’ who try to cool themselves by sitting
underneath the wide palm trees. Other than the unbearable heat the servants
still worked, my brothers still practice their swordsmanship; my sister still
played her yueqin for Mama and the other women, and Baba continued to look for
husbands for his daughters.
I
still can’t understand why Mama was so calm, even after these many months. I
sure wasn’t, not after hearing that Heng Fu wasn’t my real father. No one else
knew either except for Li Jun, I told her everything. Neither one of my parents
knew that I heard them that night. Since then things were never the same. In
some way I lost respect for Heng Fu, how could I be sure that he wasn’t lying
to me about anything?
Then
thing began to become more complicated; the more Heng Fu presented me to
suitable men to marry, the more I pushed them away. I dishonored my family many
times in the past three months and I’m beginning to reach my breaking point. It
was during an interview that I finally broke. The man Heng Fu had chosen was an
old wealthy merchant. He disgusted me when he spoke, he had missing teeth and
every time he would speak, his saliva would fly out of his mouth. I was not
happy with this, I stood up before Heng Fu, I told him,
“I
will not marry this man!” He smiled to the merchant as he grabbed my arm and
pulled out into the courtyard. He shouted at me,
“No
one wanted you; this is your last chance and you will not disobey me again. You
will marry the merchant and that’s my final decision. Now do you understand?” I
nodded, inside my head I was screaming for someone to break these chains that
were about to be joined to that dirty old man.
Heng Fu released my arm and returned back to the man. The servants
watched as Heng Fu yelled at me including Li Jun. She walked over to me,
“Jia
Huo? Are you alright?” I looked at her, in my desperation I pleaded for her to
help me.
“I
have to get out of here Li Jun. I can’t marry that man, I just can’t. Please Li
Jun, as my friend I am begging you to help me escape. Please!” I saw tears
being to run down my friends face than I felt the warmness run down my cheeks
as well. I knew she didn’t want to but
she nodded her head to help me. That night we came up with a plan to meet each
other outside the walls of the house, there under the cover of nightfall we
would travel together to the edge of Hou-han’s outer wall.
“I
can go no farther Jia Huo. If they find that both of us had vanished they might
suspect something.” Li Jun confessed. I knew she was right and I knew she
wouldn’t be coming with me. I hugged my dearest friend farewell, I instructed
her to give a letter to my sister explaining why I left, but not to where I was
heading. She held the letter close to her to keep it safe. She watched me as I
slowly disappeared into the night’s shadows.
I
didn’t know what I was doing, I had never been outside the city walls and now I
was traveling alone at night in an unfamiliar land. Although the days had dry
sticky air where its thickness made it difficult to breathe, the nights were
also very dry but they were also dangerously fridge. My clothes were not in the
right condition for this weather. I walked as far as I could through the
unrelenting arctic winds, but I was losing strength and began to grow weary. The
fear of wild animals crept its way into my thoughts so I refused to stop to lie
down. I pressed onward until the sun peaked over the distant mountains. I stopped
and laid my head on the trunk of an old tree. My eyelids were heavy from
exhaustion and my body grumbled for nourishment, I couldn’t fight it any
longer. I quickly fell into a heavy sleep. I dreamt of Shun Shui and the
reactions she would have when Li Jun gave her the letter. She would cry out to
Mama and Baba and tell them that I had run away. Then Heng Fu’s words echoed “No one wanted you. This is your last
chance.” The look in his eyes frightened me, even in my dreams. He starred
into my very being “You were never worth
it” he threatened.
I
quickly sat up reentering reality. I looked around me; there was a fire pit
with a black pot steaming over it. The smell of what was in it was
intoxicating. I never noticed that I had slept on a small pillow and that I was
covered with a warm traveler’s blanket. I was confused, had I brought these
things with me before I left Hou-han? Of course not, but where had all of this
come from. Then someone spoke,
“You’re
awake.” I looked for the voice, but the strain from my eyes clouded my vision.
A figure began to appear, I became frighten and I dragged myself over the trees
roots, I couldn’t understand why I felt so weak. The figure came closer, my
eyes became clear. It was a man, a young man; whose hair was tied back with
black silk. He leaned over the steaming pot with a bowl and filled it. He
brought the bowl over to me,
“Here
eat this” he instructed lowering the bowl to my hands. I wouldn’t accept it.
“You
must eat; you need to regain your strength.”
He was right; I took the bowl in my hands and brought the seaming bowl
of soup to my lips. The warmness ran to the back of my throat and then down to my
stomach. Never had I tasted soup that was this satisfying. I tried to finish the soup but I couldn’t.
The man put out his hands again and I placed the bowl into hands.
“Thank
you” I said weakly, the man nodded
“You
must rest now” he told me. I was too tired and too weak to argue so I lay back
on the small pillow and drifted into a slumber.
The
next morning I arose with the sun, the man already awake greeted me pleasantly.
“Good
morning” I returned the greeting. He sat by the roots of the tree with a small
bowl of dried oranges in his hands.
“Hungry?”
he asked.
“Starving”
I admitted, he smiled and chucked a little. He handed me the small bowl
containing the orange slices. I looked down at the fruit. I never liked oranges
but I didn’t want to seem rude, so I slowly brought a little of the fruit up to
my lips. I gave the bowl back to him,
“Who
are you?” I questioned, he took the bowl from my hands,
“I’m
Shen Zhi, and might I ask who you are?” he inquired,
“Jia
Huo” I replied. He repeated my name,
“It
is a pleasure to meet you Jia Huo.”
“Likewise”
I stood to my feet and looked up into the peach tree with the fruits in full
bloom. I looked to Shen Zhi,
“If
you don’t mind me asking, why are you here?”
He also stood to his feet
“Well”
he began putting all his utensils back into his travel bag. He walked next to
me, I felt my cheeks burn. He picked up the small pillow and blanket and
stuffed them also into his bag. I waited patiently for him to answer me. He
began down the road, I followed him. He said,
“I
was walking down this road early one morning a few days passed. The sun had not
yet risen and everything was hazy, I could barely see where I was going.” He
paused for a moment. “As I was walking I wondered off the road and onto the
grass. I walked pass that tree and trip over what I thought was a root. When I
looked closer at it I found that it wasn’t a root but a leg, your leg. I looked
down at my feet scuffing the ground below me. So I stayed there till the sun
had cleared my vision so I could see who it was. When I looked I saw your face.
Your lips had turned blue and your entire body was shaking uncontrollable.” I
looked back at him,
“But
why did you stay?” He looked at me,
“Well
I couldn’t just leave you there to freeze to death, could I? What kind of
person would do that?” I stopped; “Heng
Fu would” I thought. Shen Zhi
looked behind him,
“You
okay?” he questioned, I nodded and continued to walk. We walked in silence, it
was agonizing. I desperately wanted to break the uncomfortable quiet.
“What
city are you from?” I asked,
“Qufu”
he recalled. I had never been there and I heard it was months away from
Hou-han.
“Why
are you so far from your home?” I questioned. He looked at me as if I were
kidding,
“Your
joking with me right?” he laughed. I tilted my head in confusion; I didn’t
understand why he asked me that. “You do know where you are don’t you?” I shook
my head; I honestly didn’t have a clue. He laughed and said,
“You
really don’t do you? You’re just outside the city of Cheng-de.” I understood why he laughed at me;
Cheng-de is one of Qufu’s neighboring cities, but what I didn’t understand was
how I walked this far from my home.
“Where
are you heading to? He asked. I didn’t know how to answer him. I didn’t where I
was going; all I knew is that I wasn’t going back to Hou-han. I remembered Heng
Fu yelling at Mama about a Buddhist monk, so I figured as long as I’m on my own
now the perfect time to find my birth father. And if there’s one place I know I
could find him, it would be the Buddhist monastery in the city of Luoyang.
“Luoyang, to the monastery”
I finally answered. He stopped and took hold of my arm, he snicker
“You
in a monastery, surly someone as beautiful as you is not seriously considering
to becoming a sour faced, old nun.” My
blood boiled under my cheeks at the thought of him thinking I was beautiful. I
wanted to laugh through my embarrassment but I kept a straight face. I tried to
explain to him what I meant,
“No,”
I began “I’m going there to find my father.” I stated,
“In
a monastery” he joked.
“Well
you see…uh…I’m meant…it’s not…” I tried so hard to make him understand, but my
words would just not cooperate with me. I took a deep breath as I released my
frustration,
“You
wouldn’t understand” I finally admitted. He shrugged his shoulders. For awhile
neither one of us said anything. Shen Zhi had this cautious look on his face
and I wondered what he was thinking. We
walked for what seemed like hours exposed to the open sun with nothing to shade
us from it. The weight of my hair only
felt heavier from the sun’s draining power.
Shen Zhi and I both agreed to stop and rest underneath one of the wild
peach trees. Shen Zhi fell onto the grass; he closed his eyes and sighed. I sat
with my legs crossed, my hands whipping away the heavy sweat from underneath my
long and matted braid. I leaned on the trunk of the peach tree as I looked up
to the high branches.
“So
what are you doing out here?” I asked Shen Zhi. He opened one eye and tilted
his head to look at me; he closed his eye and lay down once more. He replied,
“My
father was the general in the emperor’s army” I was stunned,
“The
emperor, you mean Emperor Ming?” I interrupted; he sat up crossing his legs,
“Of
course, what other emperor is there?” I ignored his comment and allowed him to
continued,
“Any
way he had just returned from an important mission, it was his last mission as
general. Whenever my father was away, being the eldest son if fell on me to
take my father’s place in the family.” He talked about his family, but I didn’t
really listen. Everything he said sounded muffled and distorted. I watched his
face as he spoke. I watched how his eyes reacted when his spoke about his
spoiled younger sisters. His expressions made me laugh,
“What?”
he questioned, I covered my mouth to quiet my laughter.
“Nothing,
please continue” I told him. He nodded
“As
the eldest son it now falls to me to take my father’s place in the army. I told
my father that I wanted to travel to all the places the scholars told me about
before I went.” He paused for a moment,
“And
did he approve?” I asked, Shen Zhi looked at me and smiled,
“Would
I be here if he hadn’t?” I felt like a fool asking him that. I made myself
laugh to hide my embarrassment,
“No,
I guess you wouldn’t. And I would be here sitting alone talking to the trees
like a lunatic.” He laughed at my humor. I looked away from him and up to the
fresh peaches dangling from the high branches.
“So
where do you live?” Shen Zhi inquired; I didn’t say anything for awhile. I had
hoping that the conversation would change to something different, but it
didn’t. He asked me again, this time I had to answer.
“Hou-han”
I said ashamed. He said nothing in response. I searched his face looking for any
sign that he knew why I left, but he didn’t. I guess I was just being a little
paranoid. Shen Zhi reached into his bag and pulled out some orange slices. He
turned to offer me one, but while his back was turned I climb the branches of
the peach tree.
“Jia
Huo?” he called out my name. I was amused that he didn’t know I was right above
him.
“Where
did she go?” He wondered. I tried not to laugh so he wouldn’t find me.
“Jia
Huo, where are you?” he shouted, I started feeling bad about making him worry,
so I finally I shouted
“Up
here.” He looked up and saw me sitting on one of the high branches with a peach
in my hand. I was laughing because it took him awhile to find me.
“How
did you get up there?” he laughed,
“I
climbed of course. Would you like one?” I offered he shook his head in response. “To bad, oh well your loss” I teased.
“Why
don’t you come down?” he suggested. I rolled my eyes like a foolish child, but
he was right. I quickly swung from the branches like a lemur, jumping from
branch to branch on my way down. I jumped on a branch that was very weak, the
branch snapped from the force I put on it. I quickly grabbed the closest branch
to me and held on for dear life. Shen Zhi ran underneath me,
“Don’t
worry Jia Huo, I’ve got you.” I looked down and realized how far I would fall;
I tighten my grip on the branch. My hands began to slip; I felt my lungs
struggle for air. Shen Zhi shouted,
“Jia
Huo, let go.”
“Are
you insane?” I cried,
“What
are you afraid of? Don’t worry I promise to catch you.” Scared out of my mind I
knew he was right. I swallowed my pride; I closed my eyes and released my grip
on the branch. I felt the wind on my back as if fell back to earth, I wanted to
scream but nothing came out. Suddenly my body made contact with Shen Zhi’s arms.
The force of the drop made Shen Zhi fall to the ground as well. I opened my
eyes and saw that Shen Zhi had indeed caught me.
“See”
he said trying to catch his breath “told you I would catch you.” I smile,
“So
you did.” He smiled back; his mesmerizing
deep green eyes became fixated on mine and I began to lose myself in his
embrace. I felt as if I was in a dream with his arms holding on to me, but my
reverie was broken by Heng Fu. His words echoed “no one wanted you.” I stood to my feet, as did Shen Zhi.
“We
should go.” I said hurriedly. Shen Zhi agreed. We once again began the journey
to Luoyang; it
took us many months to get the city. When we arrived outside the cities walls I
could not have been more thrilled.
“Luoyang” I said proudly, I
quickly unbounded my hair so that I could wash it in the nearby stream. I
washed out all the dirt and filth that had weighed so much. Once my hair was
cleaned I once again braided it into a single tight braid. I found wild flowers
on the road and I put them in my hair as decorations. Now I was ready to enter
the city. As we walked through the city streets, Shen Zhi turned to me,
“What
do you want to do first?” he asked me, I told him
“I
have to find the monastery. To see if my father is there.” Shen Zhi nodded in
understanding.
“Then
to the monastery we will go.” I smiled at the fact that he would be coming with
me. It felt safe when he was around me, plus I liked his company. Like any
other city the monastery was on the other side of the city, outside its walls.
We walked to the end of the city and there I saw the doors decorated with
breathtaking colors of red and yellow. I ran to the doors eager to find out
what lay behind them.
“Jia
Huo, wait” Shen Zhi warned, I turned to him. He came up to me and placed a hand
on my hair. “Your hair, you must hide your hair.” I gently removed Shen Zhi’s
hand. I lifted my braid, twirling it around my wrist. I had nothing left, no
home, no family, no dignity, and worst of all no honor; my hair was the only
thing I had left. But I needed to find my father no matter the sacrifices I
must endure.
“Hand
me a knife” I commanded Shen Zhi. Reaching into his travel bag he pulled out
his knife. I took it from his hand and brought it up to my braid. In a single
swipe my long braid fell to the ground below me. I felt as if I had disappeared
into the darken abyss, I felt empty and cold. I had no past, no remembrance of
who I should have been. I handed the knife back to Shen Zhi and I sank to my
knees. Tears roll down my face as he shaved away all of my once beautiful hair.
When he was finished I stood and knocked on the door. A man answered it dressed
in the traditional robes that were painted with bright colors of red and
yellow. His ageing skin gave away his
age and his short stature only made him look even older.
“Welcome
brother, welcome sister.” he greeted looking from Shen Zhi to me. “Enter into
our sanctuary.” We thanked him by bowing at our waists with our hands folded
like we were in prayer. The old man turned to guild us into the monastery; we
followed him through the pathways made of broken stone. I was amassed at all
that was surrounding me, monks meditating on the tall undisturbed grass, nuns
plowing the fields, and retired soldiers exercising their old fighting
skills. The man led us to the temple; he
gave us robes to wear. Shen Zhi asked,
“What
is your name monk?” the man turned to him,
“A
name is not something that one can claim; a name is a gift that can easily be
taken away.” He looked to me and smiled,
“To
my brothers I am known as Master. Tell me my young friends, what is the purpose
of your journey?” Shen Zhi and I looked
at each other with no answer to his question. The old man grinned,
“You
are silence. This must mean that you are in search of something.” He stood
close to Shen Zhi, he made Shen Zhi look like a giant compared to his small
height. Shen Zhi cleared his throat and looked down at the man. Suddenly the
man’s mouth stretched from ear to ear,
“Ah,
I see you have found what you are searching for.” Shen Zhi nodded confirming
the man’s words. I was confused, how did the man know what Shen Zhi was
searching for when he said nothing. The man then turned to me; he looked me in
the eyes, but I turned away. The man spoke,
“You,
young one, have been lost. Your path is unclear and you cannot see.” I didn’t
understand him, what did he mean when he said my path is unclear.
“What
do you mean monk, I don’t understand” I confessed. The man held out his arm to
me,
“Come”
he invited “soon all will be clear.” I took his arm and he began leading me
from the temple’s steps. I looked back to Shen Zhi; he smiled reassuring that I
would be safe. I turned to the man. We walk in silence around the open
grassland.
“What
is your name child?” he asked, I sighed nervously
“Jia
Huo, Master.” He tighten his grip on my arm,
“Shu
Fang,” he interrupted. Shu Fang, how did I know that name? I didn’t have the chance to ask him. He
turned stopping in front of me making me feel uneasy. He looked deep into my
eyes,
“What
is it you’re searching for? Could it be to learn of your future, or maybe you
come looking for a husband?” I shook my
head denying everything he suggested. I can here for one reason and one reason
only, that was to find my birth father so that I might bring honor to myself.
Shu Fang lifted his withered hand to my face; the warmth of his touch was
familiar to me, almost like he knew me from long ago. I held his hand against
my cheek trying to remember, my frustration spilled from my eyes. Shu Fang whipped
away my tears that made me smile. He spoke,
“You’re
beginning to see.” I backed away from him,
“See?
See what?” I asked him. He smiled and pointed his boney finger to a small pool
over by the motionless monks who were in meditation. I walked over to the pool
looking over my shoulder to see if he was following me. When I reached the pool
I looked into its clear waters. What I saw in the water couldn’t have been me.
No what I saw was my mother, her soft green eyes staring into mine. Shu Fang
walked over,
“What
do you see?” he asked. My eyes became blurred and I whipped them on my sleeve
to clear them. I looked again at the women looking back at me,
“Mama”
I whispered. I had been away from home for so many months and I longed for my
mother’s warm embraces.
“You
have her eyes you know” Shu Fang told me. I looked at him, doubting him. How
could he have known what my mother looked like and then it came to me. I gasped
and covered my mouth, Shu Fang smiled,
“Now
you see, your path is clear and you are no longer lost.” I fell to the ground before him unable to
believe that I had found my true father. Shen Zhi watched from a distance, he
saw me fall and ran to where we were. I felt him running towards us through the
ground. I never wanted to stand; I didn’t want to wake up if this was only a
dream. Shu Fang held out his hand to help me up, I held his wrinkled hand in
mine; I laid my head on his hand and wouldn’t let it go. Shen Zhi called out to
me shouting my name
“Jia
Huo. Is she alright?” He asked Shu Fang. He nodded his head; Shen Zhi knelt to
the ground next to me and placed his hand on my shoulder. I felt such a mixture
of emotions I didn’t know which ones to let out and which ones to keep quiet. I
began to laugh then I cried, then I laughed and cried. For the first time in my
life I felt whole; I had finally found the one thing that I craved since the
very beginning of my existence. The one thing I yearned for more than anything
else in the world, Acceptance!
